July 31st, 2024

Shaken, Stirred, Swizzled, and Swirled

Many years ago I worked at a hotel bar and I made a lot of drinks, nothing real fancy or innovative, but the sort of fare that would achieve the desired goal. One patron in town on business ordered one of the classics, but before doing so she asked if she could tell me a joke. “Why are martinis like breasts?” I indulged, why, I asked. “One isn’t enough, three are too many, but two are perfect.” I’m here all week, tip your servers.

The martini is a simple drink in principle, it has few ingredients (gin or vodka, vermouth, perhaps bitters, a garnish, etc) and doesn’t require any advanced techniques or equipment. No gelatins, powders, potions, or centrifuges required. What it does have is incredible baggage and as many preferred ways to make the drink as there are people drinking them.

As a young lad I had a passing familiarity with the method to make one courtesy of problem drinker, and government employee, James Bond. I knew that the drink contained some amount of vodka and should be shaken, not stirred.

Despite Mr. Bond’s problematic behavior towards women, and questionable decisions regarding alcohol consumption while working, the air of expertise and confidence while ordering the drink is certainly something. When I was finally old enough to try making my own, I learned that there was so much more I didn’t know, a couple of books worth of things that I didn’t know about a good martini. That fact that it could be chocolate-ed or espresso-ed not being the least of them.

I also discovered that my late grandmother’s drink of choice wasn’t just a glass of gin and onions, but it was a variation of a martini – a Gibson. This martini expression is defined not by the choice of gin or vodka, but by the garnish: cocktail onions. It is worth mentioning that the cocktail onions always tasted better out of Nanny’s glass than out of the jar.

As I gained employment making martinis as part of my job, I would learn further opinions on how people wanted theirs served. Some were of the opinion that vodka had no place being involved in the production of a martini at all and that gin was the only spirit to use. Also, you stir a martini, because shaking it bruises the vermouth.

While others would order an exceedingly dry vodka martini and say things like, “just think about vermouth while you’re making it.” Though in my opinion there isn’t much excitement in a tall glass of cold vodka, but it certainly gets the alcohol where it needs to go. Add at least a little vermouth, and I’ll allow it. Is there a right way to make the drink? Not necessarily, but I certainly have my own preferences by this point.

I’m a gin man, no vodka martinis for me, and if there’s no vermouth, I don’t find the drink particularly compelling. At bare minimum I think a glass rinse is warranted, but at times I’ll take the percentages all the way up to 50/50 vermouth to gin depending on how vermouth forward I’d like the drink to be. Though I generally opt for one part vermouth to two parts gin, because I feel that gives the optimal balance for what I’m looking for.

One virtue to the martini is its temperature, and I’m of the opinion that cold is virtuous. That’s why I was tickled by the story of the German fella who owned a ski resort that hid porrons of pre-batched martini in the snow around the mountain. You can shake a martini to be very, very cold, albeit a bit cloudy, or you can batch them and keep them in the freezer. I still do a stir and strain with ice for a little bit of dilution, a worthwhile aspect in the construction of the drink.

If you don’t have the foresight to pre-batch your cocktails, keeping the ingredients cold to start helps the process along; dry vermouth in the fridge, gin, and glass in the freezer if possible. I prefer a lemon peel for a garnish, and I like olives on the side, I don’t prefer them in my gin martini. I had a dirty vodka martini phase in my youth, but have since left it there, but I haven’t quite kicked the apple-tini habit. Judge not lest ye be judged.

Much more can be said of the martini, but it’s been a long day and I’d rather drink one than write about it any more. So I’ll just leave you with this Dorothy Parker quote…

“I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
after four I’m under my host.”
― Dorothy Parker, The Collected Dorothy Parker

-Joe Buchter, Import Wine Buyer

Need to reach me for all things wine? Email me at [email protected]